Monday, February 15, 2021

When it snows

Claire. A lifetime of devotion I'd have given you, my Claire. It was all at your feet. My whole self was. I would have taken a bullet for you. It was all for you. It was all you. I was all for you.

Are my memories your memories? Did you ever feel what I felt? You came out of Raul's room crying for me, for you, and for us. Your tears melted my spirit. The universe fell inside itself. 

I went to the school's foyer to play the piano daily since that evening. But you never knew it, because I never got lucky enough to see you pass by when going to class.

Edmonton, Canada

I played that old piano like I never did before or after, showering the keys with the tragedy of having lost you. There wasn't space for anything else inside me, so I carved a slice of flesh for music. The world falls upon you hard when you are a 19 years old ball of raw, new emotions.

School ended a little over a month later. I had to pack my things and leave. Spent the last couple of days at Armando's apartment. Didn't want to be alone in an Edmonton that got colder and darker by the day. I desperately needed to see you, but didn't know how. Went to sleep earlier every day, struggling to find the strength to get out of bed the next morning. I was asleep when the phone rang. Armando passed it to me. Claire, my darling, it was you. Your flight was scheduled to depart at night, and you chose to call me there though I told no one I was at his place. The sands of life slipped through my fingers. 

The Power Plant at University of Alberta, CA

I said I loved you, and that I still did now. Without giving you time to respond, I asked if you were aware we'd never meet again. I could hear how you started to sob. I waited in silence as you kept crying, hoping you wouldn't notice the knot in my throat if I didn't speak. My mushed heart broke again, less loudly this time. I hadn't felt sadness so deep and bitter before.

A lifetime in a single season; it all felt trapped inside a single day.

Crossing the snowed streets of Edmonton

Thank you for Edmonton. I still miss you when it snows.

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