Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Rule 34 - If it exists, there is porn of it

It is commonly known that Peter Morley-Souter gave birth to Rule #34. He allegedly captioned a 2003 webcomic of his like this: “Rule #34: There is porn of it. No exceptions.” It emanated from his shock at seeing a Calvin and Hobbes parody porn. 

Over the years, the rule took on a life of its own and transformed into the simpler but damning “If it exists, there is porn of it”.

The rule is always true. There are no exceptions. You cannot break it. No one can.

As with a mathematical equation, the reverse must be true. Therefore, if there is no porn of it, it does not exist. It really is that simple, but it led to this question: “Is there porn of me?”

I nervously typed my name on some of the most popular porn sites, backspacing a few times to correct it since I queasily typed too fast. There were no results. As I went on to the next one, a feeling of emptiness started to fill my insides from the top of the stomach. Pornhub, no results. Xvideos, no results. Youporn, nada.

I got quite anxious and went down the famous “Bro’s List of Free Porn Sites”, most of the time heading directly to the Search Bar.

I found nothing. In my desperation, I went with pay sites but came back empty-handed. Then I went to more obscure and specialized websites. I browsed Hentai Heaven, found nothing. New Hentai, nothing. Anime, no luck. Top Bukake, nada. Asked a very techy friend for help to reach the Dark Web, searching for anything, as I was ready to settle for an approximation at this point.

My fingers looked blurrier and blurrier as I kept furiously typing. I started to notice that my hair felt thinner every time I touched it. “Come on, even a drawing would do! Anything!” I screamed at the screen, but my voice faded. The movie “Back to the Future*” came to mind. I was a Marty McPorn.


Fap to the Future, a Back to the Future porn parody

I scrambled to open an outdated version of Microsoft Paint in my computer. The “An Updated Version of this program is available. Press OK to update” notifications would not let me get in quickly enough, but I eventually managed to click of the “x” with the cursor and started drawing a porn of myself. This was my only hope. Body, legs, arms, head. Boom! 30% done. Fingers, toes, knees… 50% done! By now, all I needed was a woody.

The pecker was the most difficult part of the exercise. I drew and I drew, 80% done. It was taking most of the canvas, but without it the drawing wouldn’t qualify as porn. Shaft, tip, pubic hair... 95% done. Got distracted thinking I would have saved precious seconds by drawing it properly manscaped, but it was too late for that now. I was almost done. With the pubes finalized, I made it to 99% completion. A little touch up here, a quick correction there, and done!  I never felt so relieved in my life. Had I really ever had a life before this moment? The thought itself created a vacuum in the universe in which reality began to collapse. That is when I had a revelation: EVERYONE must make porn of themselves for humanity to have a chance at existence.

So yeah. That's why I asked you to send me nudes.