It is commonly known that Peter
Morley-Souter gave birth to Rule #34. He allegedly captioned a 2003 webcomic of
his like this: “Rule #34: There is porn of it. No exceptions.” It emanated
from his shock at seeing a Calvin and Hobbes parody porn.
Over the years, the
rule took on a life of its own and transformed into the simpler but damning “If it exists, there is porn of it”.
The rule is always true. There are
no exceptions. You cannot break it. No
one can.
As with a mathematical equation, the
reverse must be true. Therefore, if there is no porn of it, it does not exist.
It really is that simple, but it led to this question: “Is there porn of
me?”
I nervously typed my name on some of
the most popular porn sites, backspacing a few times to correct it since I queasily typed
too fast. There were no results. As I went on to the next
one, a feeling of emptiness started to fill my insides from the top of the stomach. Pornhub, no
results. Xvideos, no results. Youporn, nada.
I got quite anxious and went down the
famous “Bro’s List of Free Porn Sites”, most
of the time heading directly to the Search Bar.
ww.4tube.com
www.8teenxxx.com
www.alotporn.com
www.beeg.com
www.bustnow.com
www.cliphunter.com
www.definebabes.com
www.deviantclip.com
www.drtuber.com
www.empflix.com
www.fantasti.cc
www.fapdu.com
www.freeporn.com
www.freudbox.com
www.fuq.com
www.fux.com
www.grayvee.com
www.hellxx.com
www.hustlertube.com
www.jugy.com
www.jizzhut.com
www.kaktuz.com
www.keezmovies.com
www.kinxxx.com
www.laraporn.com
www.leakedporn.com
www.lovelyclips.com
www.lubetube.com
www.mofosex.com
www.monstertube.com
www.madthumbs.com
www.moviefap.com
www.moviesand.com
www.orgasm.com
www.perfectgirls.net
www.pichunter.com
www.planetsuzy.com
www.porn.com
www.porn-plus.com
www.porncor.com
www.pornrabbit.com
www.porntitan.com
www.pussy.org
www.redtube.com
www.tube8.com
www.xhamster.com
www.xnxx.com
www.youjizz.com
I found nothing. In my desperation,
I went with pay sites but came back empty-handed. Then I went to more obscure
and specialized websites. I browsed Hentai Heaven, found nothing. New Hentai,
nothing. Anime, no luck. Top Bukake, nada. Asked a very techy friend for help
to reach the Dark Web, searching for anything, as I was ready to settle for an
approximation at this point.
My fingers looked blurrier and
blurrier as I kept furiously typing. I started to notice that my hair felt thinner every time I touched
it. “Come on, even a drawing would do! Anything!” I screamed at the screen, but
my voice faded. The movie “Back to the Future*” came to mind. I was a Marty
McPorn.
“I AM FUCKING FADING OUT OF
EXISTENCE!”
 |
| Fap to the Future, a Back to the Future porn parody |
I scrambled to open an outdated
version of Microsoft Paint in my computer. The “An Updated Version of this
program is available. Press OK to update” notifications would not let me get in
quickly enough, but I eventually managed to click of the “x” with the cursor and
started drawing a porn of myself. This was my only hope. Body, legs, arms,
head. Boom! 30% done. Fingers, toes, knees… 50% done! By now, all I needed was
a woody.
The pecker was the most difficult
part of the exercise. I drew and I drew, 80% done. It was taking most of the
canvas, but without it the drawing wouldn’t qualify as porn. Shaft, tip, pubic hair...
95% done. Got distracted thinking I would have saved precious seconds by
drawing it properly manscaped, but it was too late for that now. I was almost
done. With the pubes finalized, I made it to 99% completion. A little touch up
here, a quick correction there, and done! I never felt so relieved in my life. Had I really
ever had a life before this moment? The thought itself created a vacuum in the
universe in which reality began to collapse. That is when I had a revelation: EVERYONE
must make porn of themselves for humanity to have a chance at existence.
So yeah. That's why I asked you to
send me nudes.
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